Grin and bear it

Groan of the night

2009-11-07T23:37:50+01:00

A man died today after becoming trapped under a large wicker basket containing a smoked ham, a jar of pickled onions, some cheddar, water biscuits and a bottle of champagne.

Police said that their efforts to save him were hampered

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The problem with e-bay

2009-11-07T18:57:05+01:00

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and it found over 15,000 matches.

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Clarkson on Detroit

2009-11-01T11:22:46+01:00

"God may have created the world in six days, but while He was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

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An atheist in the woods

2009-10-31T11:41:04+01:00

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord,

Amen.

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Curtian Rods - How to get even.

2009-10-26T15:09:44+01:00

Curtain Rods - - -(PRICELESS)

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......

.... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

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Hadn't thought army supplies were that short.......

2009-10-24T13:51:54+02:00

..... that they couldn't afford a rifle tripod?

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Noah

2009-10-24T13:29:07+02:00

Sorry, but what fucking continant was Noah on where there was an Elephant, a kangeroo, AND a penguin???

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Postman Pat

2009-10-23T19:15:23+02:00

Postman Pat, Postman Pat
Postman Pat and his unionised cat,
Early in the morning,
They're still in bed a-snoring,
And I'm wondering where's my post, you f**g twat.

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Balls

2009-10-23T18:45:12+02:00

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Groan of the night

2009-10-17T20:50:09+02:00

What does a Cannibal get when he comes home late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

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New Health Protocol for stopping the Spread of H1N1

2009-10-14T21:40:49+02:00

New Upload

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Extreme fighting

2009-10-10T19:27:55+02:00

I have my first cage fight next week.
That budgie wont know what has hit it.

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Ouch

2009-10-03T20:53:07+02:00

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Well, I'm confused.

2009-10-03T19:13:32+02:00

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Coincedence?

2009-09-29T10:05:20+02:00

Ever noticed that when you write 3.14 down on a piece of paper and reflect it in a mirror, it says 'PIE'

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New Diet

2009-09-28T10:06:42+02:00

Just found a new diet right up my street.

It's called the 'Gin and Tonic diet', and I have lost two days already...

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Laugh my arse off

2009-09-12T21:39:49+02:00

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Top Tip

2009-09-11T11:23:04+02:00

Playing charades is a bad time to have a heart attack.

Nick, Arrowe Park Hospital ICU

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Garage Door

2009-09-04T20:32:12+02:00

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

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THE BIRDS AND THE BEE'S

2009-08-15T10:18:32+02:00

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The
father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to
do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little
Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

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Groan

2009-08-14T13:16:38+02:00

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! The dad loves his son however, raising him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! A torso appears! The bar is silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to take another drink and he does.

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay, but,Swoosh! Swoosh! Two arms appear!

The bar patrons go wild. The father, crying, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs appear. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him, killing him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says,

(Wait for it)

(It's coming)

(Ya ready?)

* (Don't hate me)

* (You're gonna hate me)

* (Take a deep breath)

'He should've quit while he was a head

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CAN'T WAIT TIL I GET OLDER

2009-08-11T11:37:30+02:00

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."

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Sex Q & A

2009-08-08T10:33:35+02:00

Q: What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

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Joke of the night

2009-08-07T21:45:53+02:00

Rafa Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to England.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation - he scores a hat-trick in 20 minutes and wins the game for the reds! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me. It's wonderful!"
"Wonderful?! " says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
"Your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, robbed and beaten and your brother abducted by masked men, all while you were having such a wonderful time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!! Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

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The best of Drew Carey

2009-08-07T20:06:46+02:00

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!"

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

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Piercings

2009-08-06T22:43:47+02:00

Realised why belly button piercings are such a turn on for men. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porno mags.

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A Japanese Fart

2009-08-03T12:27:08+02:00

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married
she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out
of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:

'Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.'

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Frankie Boyle

2009-08-01T22:43:48+02:00

"The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher."

"Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two."

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: "I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside."

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Sums me up

2009-07-27T18:38:03+02:00

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Not for me

2009-07-26T21:36:46+02:00

I just saw and advert for transparant glass coffins.

I wouldn’t be seen dead in one of those ….

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