Grin and bear it

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The
father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to
do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little
Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! The dad loves his son however, raising him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! A torso appears! The bar is silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to take another drink and he does.

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay, but,Swoosh! Swoosh! Two arms appear!

The bar patrons go wild. The father, crying, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs appear. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him, killing him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says,

(Wait for it)

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(It's coming)

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*

(Ya ready?)

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* (Don't hate me)

*

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* (You're gonna hate me)

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*

* (Take a deep breath)

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'He should've quit while he was a head

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."

Q: What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Rafa Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to England.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation - he scores a hat-trick in 20 minutes and wins the game for the reds! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me. It's wonderful!"
"Wonderful?! " says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
"Your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, robbed and beaten and your brother abducted by masked men, all while you were having such a wonderful time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!! Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!"

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

Realised why belly button piercings are such a turn on for men. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porno mags.

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married
she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out
of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:

'Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.'

"The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher."

"Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two."

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: "I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside."