"My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that."

"I just found out we have a local library. They kept that quiet."

"Studies show 1 in 5 British teens are unable to peel an orange... It's a good job they've all got knives then."

"A body of a man was found today, he was wearing a Newcastle shirt, fish-net tights, and had a sex toy rammed up his arse. Police removed the Newcastle shirt to save his family any embarrassment."

"I was out Celebrating the wife's Birthday last night.
Got in about 3.30am She was was F**king Livid!"

"My local’s rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night…First question was, “What the f**k are you looking at?"