Grin and bear it

When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.

I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.

' I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.

Again, he shouted back.

'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room' I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

'Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes.'

I see Ronaldo was seen out with Paris Hilton the other night. I wonder if he used his normal ploy of going down in the box?

I was going for a walk the other day when I saw a Newcastle season ticket nailed to a tree. I thought 'I'll have that!'

You can never have too many nails.

"My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that."

"I just found out we have a local library. They kept that quiet."

"Studies show 1 in 5 British teens are unable to peel an orange... It's a good job they've all got knives then."

"A body of a man was found today, he was wearing a Newcastle shirt, fish-net tights, and had a sex toy rammed up his arse. Police removed the Newcastle shirt to save his family any embarrassment."

"I was out Celebrating the wife's Birthday last night.
Got in about 3.30am She was was F**king Livid!"

"My local’s rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night…First question was, “What the f**k are you looking at?"

I hear Susan Boyle has phoned the Prime Minister to offer him her support as he is under so much pressure......

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want
them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director
became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I
have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond
to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person
you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with
his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so
sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him
there to dry. How soon can I go home?'