Grin and bear it

I'm shit scared of trampolines.
They make me jump.

A burglary was recently committed at Everton’s ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a blue carpet and 14 years worth of unused silver polish.

What would a Everton fan do after winning the FA Cup? Turn off his Xbox

Someone broke into the Reckitt Benckiser cosmetic factory and unfortunately fell into a vat of Veet hair remover, before stealing money from the safe. Police say they are looking for a smooth criminal.....

It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding a whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to man utd games where they need a late goal.

Thought I was watching 'Embarrassing Bodies' last night, but it turned out to be Wayne Rooney and Tevez.

So the Builders Breakfast came out on top in a vote run by Walkers Crisps to find a new flavour. I've tasted it and it does have a strong flavour of Egg, Bacon and Sausage. But surely Walkers have got this wrong, shouldn't they have tasted of Kapusta, Grzybami and Placki Ziemniaczane?

Have you ever got about halfway through a horse and thought;
"I'm not as hungry as I thought?"

The Inland Revenue are looking into Everton's finances for fraud as it appears they have been claiming for silver polish since 1995.

Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin Mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened to each person, after performing the autopsies.

First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. 'Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'the Third body: is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy: Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken.' replied the coroner!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
The call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over
her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the
Baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was
Born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
Spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The
paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had
Just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't
have crawled in there in the first place......smack him
Again!'

I typed in 'Chelsea' into my SatNav and it told me it was "2 minutes from Rome"....

A pig flu?
I thought that was impossible.
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My mate won a holiday to Mexico, now that he cannot go he's pig sick.
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This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.
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This pig flu is bad, i must have had it for a bout a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!
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I told my mate to go and get tested for this swine flu.
He's never been to Mexico but he has been with some real pigs.