Grin and bear it

Save money on your water bill.

Cut your time in the shower by having a wank beforehand.

:-)

Read this "Funniest Complaint letter ever" It was sent to Richard Branson!

enjoy =)

xxx

Bloke 1: "My girlfriend is the double of Kate Moss."

Bloke 2: "You lucky sod!"

Bloke 1: "Not really. Kate weighs 8 stone, my girlfriend weighs 16..."

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘ Harry , what’s your problem?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brough t in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry : ‘9.’

Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’

Harry : ‘36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions.’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’

Harry , after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms Brooks : ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks : ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’

Harry : ‘Pants.’

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains a thin, whitish liquid?’

Harry : ‘Coconut.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks : ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks : ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’

Harry : ‘Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’

Harry : ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…..’

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat’.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my word!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted

I'm thinking of getting circumcised.

I've heard that women will go for anything with 10% off...

I've just heard that things are so bad due to the credit crunch that women are making love to men because they can't afford the batteries...

Witnesses at the scene of the Ronaldo crash say he was only lightly tapped by a car from behind, when all of the sudden the car flipped over and rolled ten times. It then span around on the spot for two minutes, then all the wheels fell off and it caught fire.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountainsof Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I t hink you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.