Grin and bear it

What do you call a bag of fannies?

Clitoris allsorts.

Apparently, when he finally leaves office, George Bush will be using the spare time to finish his book.
He's dying to find out where Spot's hiding.

I once knew a girl who was diagnosed as being "morbidly obese".
How cruel is that?
As if she didn't have enough on her plate already...

Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. "When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken."
"Yes," says Harry, "that's inflation for you."
"It's nothing to do with inflation," says grandma, "it's all them bleeding security cameras they have nowadays."

Pope on a rope

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When teenage child appears from her bedroom after many hours perfecting her "look", you are not supposed to laugh

United Fire & Casualty Co., is a Cedar Rapids, Iowa-based property and casualty insurer. On June 20th after the overflowing Cedar River the company was flooded to a height of six feet destroyed computer equipment and everything else in the main office's first floor.
The irony is that they have been forced to incur losses due to the fact that they weren't fully covered by their own premium....

In my teens I saved a witch from drowning and she granted me a wish. Unfortunately she was very specific and I was only given the choice of either being a really good shag or having a superb memory, so I erm... ah fuck it. I forgot what I was going to say.

I had a appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call them to say I couldn't come.

I got a job at a paperless office.

Everything was great until I needed a shit

Loving all the MadTV vids!

What makes this advert worse is Jaycees is the common name for The United States Junior Chamber (Jaycees) and is a leadership training and civic organization for people between the ages of 18 and 40.

My wife was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

A blonde walks into pizza hut and asks for a 12" margarita pizza.

The assistant asks, "Do you want 4 slices or 8?"

The blonde replies, "Four please. there's no way I can eat 8.

The Facecloth

As a man I actual feel for this woman and am glad we don't have to go through this indignation.

I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, ‘My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?’

I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, ‘Mummy, where’s my facecloth?’

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, ‘No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.’

NEVER going back to that doctor

Did you hear about the Chinese Magican who did magic with Chocolate?

I heard he had a load of Twix up his sleeve.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, 'You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.' The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?'

The man replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'

At Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin's wedding last week, I'm told all guests were searched for mobile phones and cameras.

Nothing to do with them selling the pictures to the magazines, just a load of Liverpool gatecrashers.

A man hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.
When he gets home it's there.
Next day he drives to the next but one town and dumps it.
Has a pint and when he gets home it's there.
So the next day he drives to the other side of the county and dumps it.
Three hour later he rings his wife and asks "Is the cat home?"
"Yes, why?" asks his wife.
"Put him on the phone," he says "I'm lost."

Pfft!

One.

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the
day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started
dating?
I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so
caring and sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'