Grin and bear it

What's the difference between a car tyre and 365 condoms?
One's a goodyear the other a bloody good year.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
Patients were shouting "13....13....13"

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastar *d poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting "14....14....14"

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Little Zachary, a little kid, was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of to help his maths! Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. Well, then,"she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't f *!## in around."

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. Puzzled she kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "it's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

I saw a bloke the other day loading half a fruit machine onto the back of a van.

I thought to myself: "He's taking a bit of a gamble, there."

My mate bet me twenty quid he could chat up a cheetah.

I think he's trying to pull a fast one.

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".

The scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you bloody started it!"

Little Johnny's just a little angry.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

Velcro!
What a fucking rip-off.

[Tim Vine]

A police sergeant was training three blonde recruits in observation and detection. He called the first blonde in and said, "I'm going to show you a photograph of a suspect for a few seconds then, when I remove it, I want you to tell me how you would recognise the suspect in future."
After he had removed the photo the blonde said, "we'd soon catch him, he's only got one eye."
"Look," said the sergeant patiently, "the photo of him is taken from the side, in profile, of course he's got two eyes."
He called in the second blonde, repeated the procedure with her and, when he'd removed the photo, she said, "that's easy, we'd trace him in no time because he's only got one ear".
The sergeant said, somewhat testily, "don't be silly, the photo is of him in profile, from the side, of course he's got two ears!"
He summoned the third blonde, repeated the procedure, then said, "I'm now going to remove the photo, I want you to think carefully and don't give me any stupid answers".
The girl pondered for some time, then said, "we would be able to identify him because he's wearing contact lenses".
"That's amazing," said the sergeant, "the suspect does indeed wear contact lenses but how could you deduce that when it's not obvious from the photo?"
"Well," replied the blonde, "I knew he couldn't wear ordinary glasses because he's only got one eye and one ear."

A elderly woman goes into fishing tackle shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The owner of the shop is standing there wearing dark sun glasses.

She says, "excuse me, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "that's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and a 10lb test line. It's a good all round combination; and it's on sale this week for only twenty pounds."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind shop owner could tell it was her who had farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be thirty-four pounds fifty, please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for twenty pounds? How did you get
thirty-four fifty?"

He replies, "yes Madam, the rod and reel are twenty pounds, but the Duck Caller is eleven pounds and the bag of bait is three pounds fifty."

Very funny Weezer track

What do you find in a pixie's condom?
Fairy Liquid.

My Auntie Marge has been in hospital for six months.....I Can't Believe She's Not Better!

I was walking down the street today when this hippie jumped out of nowhere and shoved a joss stick up my nose.
I was incensed!

A chicken and an egg are in bed. The chicken is lying back, looking happy, and smoking a cigarette. The egg grabs the sheet, rolls over, and snaps, "Well, I guess we finally answered that question."

Did you hear the post office is putting out a new stamp to commemorate prostitution?
For 36p you can buy it and for another 50p you can lick it.

Giggs, Ronaldo and Terry are at the pearly gates of heaven when St. Peter opens the gate. He turns to Giggs and asks, "why do you deserve eternal happiness in Heaven, my son?"

Giggs replies, "I am an artist: I inspire young people to be great footballers and in turn take them away from a life of crime." St. Peter nods, impressed.

He turns to Ronaldo and asks the same question. Ronaldo retorts, "when I play football, I treat everyone as an equal: I see no ethnic or racial divides. The boy from Rio is the same as the superstar from Madrid."

Once again, St. Peter is impressed and nods.

Next he turns to Terry and says, "I suppose you want your ball back?"

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading'.

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '
' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! here must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! I'll write again soon,
Love,
Grandma

Lost the Carling cup? Lost the Premier league? Lost the European cup?
Talk to Frank.

One day, long, long ago.......
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago.......

and it was just that one day.

The End

Pythagoras' theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there,
I only used it for about an hour as I started to feel sick!
But it's great, it's got Kitkats, Mars Bars, crisps and everything in it....

Whats brown and makes a mess of everything?

The Prime Minister

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to school."

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!  Eat your lunch and go back to school."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom, getting aggravated replies, "Ok then, now tell me what you think"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says, "as I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom".

To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said, "how about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with, "how about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little teed off by now, replied, " sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said, "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."