Grin and bear it

A man was in his favourite restaurant, and after finishing his meal, pays with cash. The waiter, who knew the man, asked, "Why are you paying in cash? You always use a credit card when you come here."
"My credit cards have been stolen," the man replies.
"My God! Have you reported it?" the waiter asked.
"No," the man casually replied.
"Why not?" asked the waiter.
"Because whoever is using it is spending a lot less than my wife."

Did you know they print serial numbers on condoms?

No?

Guess you haven't rolled one down that far then.

Chubby Brown

Two little old men are sitting in the park.
-You know.. I think my wife is dead.
-??
-Sex is like usualy but our flat is not done.

A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. "Ah, hell," says the genie, "What do you want?"

The ginger says "I want a huge mansion with a thousand rooms and a hundred floors, all made of pure gold" the genie looks at him and says "don't be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? that's impossible. pick something else." so the ginger says "I want everyone to stop taking the piss out of my hair colour"

the genie says "so this mansion, you want en suite bathrooms?"

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Jaguar when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his garage.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the Jaguar. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

Marvin Minsky in Society of Mind (1986).

Marvin Minsky (American cognitive scientist) suggests that laughter has a specific function related to the human brain. In his opinion jokes and laughter are mechanisms for the brain to learn nonsense. For that reason, he argues, jokes are usually not as funny when you hear them repeatedly.

Please can somebody pass this on to Jim Davidson.....

Viagra ... Now available in powder form to put in your tea.

Does bugger all for your erections, but it stops your biscuits going soft!

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

The difference between:
"I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse"
and
"I had to help my uncle jack off a horse"

Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

Because if it walked, it'd get mugged.

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks, 'Do you have Viagra?'
'Yes I do,' the pharmacist replies.
'Does it really work?' she asks.
He chuckles and says, 'It certainly does.'
'Can you get it over the counter?' she asks.
'If I take two of them,' he answers.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an
office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T
WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Harro", says the Japanese guy

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheelie bin having wank"

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

Politics explained for dumb people
-----------------------------------

Socialism: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

Communism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and shoots you.

Bureaucratism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away..

Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. You herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

A American Corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A French Corporation: You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.

A German Corporation: You have 2 cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A British Corporation: You have 2 cows. Both are mad.

An Italian Corporation: You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A Russian Corporation: You have 2 cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows. None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Chinese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

An Iraqi Corporation: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you and they bomb your ass. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.......

Counter Culture: 'Wow, dig it, like there's these 2 cows, man, grazing in the hemp field. You gotta have some of this milk!'

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Fatalist: You have 2 doomed cows...

Hong Kong Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.

An Arkansas Corporation: You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

An Indian Corporation: You have 2 cows. You worship them.

An Australian Corporation: You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go down the pub to celebrate.

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth..

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

91% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past.

Silly old fuckers.

A little old man totters into a chemist to buy viagra.Can i have 6 tablets and i need them cut into quarters.I could cut them for you said the chemist but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.I am 96 years old said the old man i dont have much use for an erection i just want it sticking out far enough so i dont piss on my slippers

Industry experts have been unable to explain why "White Flag" by Dido sold more copies in France than the rest of the world put together.

I went downstairs this morning and The Guardian was on the doormat. I opened it up and two hardcore porn magazines fell out. I opened the door and shouted at the paperboy "Oi! There's a been a mistake!" He said "Sorry mate" and put the Guardian back in his bag.

Life with a woman is like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love one, you need a diamond to marry one, you need club to beat her, and a spade to bury the bitch!

Ferrari's Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew. This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold it to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella and a bag of weed.

A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”
“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”

The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.

“Darn it,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

I have C.D.O. that's obsessive compulsive disorder to you, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load across the carriageway.

Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.