Grin and bear it

Two tourists driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they stop for lunch and one tourist asks the waitress,
"Before we order, can you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are..... very slowly."
The Blonde waitress leaned over and said "Burrr-gurrrr-kiiing."

Go to the imdb movie database and type in wanker in the search, you won't be surprised.....

So you phone up the bakers and say... "I want a cake with icing that says Best wishes susanne, under neath that, we will miss you"....

I was out until six this morning celebrating my wife's birthday.
She was fucking livid when I got home!

I've got an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
I'm also a Schizophrenic... And so am I

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Freezing temperatures in Liverpool this morning.
Reports say it was so cold a scouser was seen with his hands in his own pockets!

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

Two computer students were walking across campus when one geek said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second geek replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first geek nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

There is no longer need for the Neutron Bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact it's called a Mortgage. I like this!

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

I went for a drink with a bulimic girl last night. I was a bit worried about mentioning her illness, but once she had a drink down her she brought it up straight away.

I just check out at MSN about spring travel guide. The flowers really attract me. Talking about flower, I wore a red top with flowers on.

The bluetooth device I put in the CPU but nothing seem to work. Saying its not detect, etc. Looks like it will take sometime for me to figure out how to use it.

There's two birds that are trying to build nests in my house. I can't let them as they are building it at the wiring area. I think they are too clever as they are trees in the area but they don't want build the nest there. Prefer to build in someone home.

Bob joined the army and after 4 months his girlfriend sent him a letter saying she'd slept with 2 guys since he'd left and wanted to break-up and all the pictures he had of her sent back. So Bob did what any other American would do. He went around to all his army buddies and asked for pictures of girls they wouldn't mind giving up. He then took all the pictures, some decent, some X-rated, and put them in a big envelope to send to his girlfriend with a note saying "I don't remember you. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.

To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

“Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

“Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi (l / g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

A couple who lived in Michigan decided to take a short break from the cold winter weather in Florida. Unfortunately because of work commitments they could not travel together, so the husband decided to drive there and his wife would follow by plane the next day.

After a long drive, he checked in to the hotel, and decided to let his wife know of his safe arrival. Unfortunately, he did a slight mistype, and his email instead reached the e-mail address of the wife of an English vicar who had died only the previous day.

The first her relatives, who were in the house comforting her, knew of this was when she excused herself for a few minutes to go into her study, to be followed by a heavy crashing sound from the room only minutes later. They rushed into the study to find her prostrate and senseless on the floor in front of a PC screen which read:

"My darling wife. Just to let you know I have arrived here safely. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow and the management are expecting you. I can't wait for us to be together again.

Your loving husband.

PS It sure is hot down here!"

A woman walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says 'Magic Bitter'.

She thinks that he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the bar for a bit. After realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, 'That isn't really 'Magic Bitter', is it?'. He says, 'Yes I'll show you.'

So he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out of the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back into the window.

She can't believe it. She says to him. 'I bet you can't do that again.'

So he takes another gulp of the bitter, flies around the building three times, and comes back into the window.

She is amazed. She says that she wants a 'Magic Bitter'. So the bloke says to the bartender, 'Give her a pint of what I am drinking'.

She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out of the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.

The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk."